Little Me. Big Me.

A personal deep dive into childhood experiences and how these can mould our personality, and the way we show up in the world. Collective change is on the way.

Welcome to The Feel Good Life! A newsletter about health, prevention, empathy, and hope. Join me, Dr. Mariana, as we explore all sides of good health and life. New here? My stress-management course is a good place to start.

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I had no plan to write a big newsletter today. However, I felt a big pull to come write something, and for whatever reasons, childhood seems to be the topic of the day.

Just as I got started with my day, I felt like sharing a good morning note on Substack’s social media channel, along with a cute picture of little Me:

Me. Circa 1984.

Not long ago, I was given this picture by one of my aunts. I never knew this image existed. The moment I opened it I felt like crying, both in disbelief and immense joy for that little girl, so happy, so cheerful, so sweet and bubbly in her eyes.

‘Who is she?!’ was my first thought.

I couldn’t believe she was me. I would look at the picture over and over again, for hours, amazed, and also trying to recognise myself in her. Something about her made me know it was all me, the essence of me, the most me, and yet, from my adult self I just couldn’t see her - me.

This happened a few years ago, maybe 2 or 3, I can’t remember. What I do know is that I have been in a personal healing journey for a long while. I’ve learned a lot during this time, particularly about inner child healing. This has been such a foreign concept to me until the last few years. Sounds obvious but I had no idea that our childhood experiences and wounds would translate so deeply into everything we are as adults. Personally, understanding this has been making a huge difference in the way I see and feel about myself, and how I show up in the world.

Just as I shared my good morning message today, with that mini-me picture, I ran into

Marc Typo

’s most recent post, written by his wife. What caught my heart and attention was her final note, which reads:

I don’t have kids of my own - I decided not to be a mother.

For this reason, I can’t truly understand the whole motherly feeling, the joy or the struggles of raising kids. All I have is the memory of being a kid myself, and how it all felt while growing up. I’m sure my parents did the best they could with what they had. My mum became a mum by the time she was 21, and had me (her second child) by age 24. It’s how it was done back then, as they say. But regardless of what society said, I can imagine it was still a challenge to be the bigger adult when you were somehow still a kiddo yourself.

In my life, I have been well taken care of, loved and supported, but the truth is I grew up feeling lonely and afraid most of the time. Playing with my brother every afternoon in the garden after school was the highlight of my days. Looking up to him everywhere we’d go was simply my everything. I remember trying to convince myself that he was my twin brother. I really wanted to be like him, to share everything, and to be with him like best friends ever. There was something about the whole ‘being identical’ that made me feel so good, so seen, so close to him, maybe even ‘like my life mattered just the same as his’. I couldn’t manage to become his twin sister for obvious reasons haha but thankfully, we have remained tight and close. He’s a dad now. Seeing him be one of the best dads I’ve seen around (apart from my own of course), just melts my heart and amazes me every single day.

My brother has this quirky ability that was highly criticised while growing up (especially into uni years and onwards), and that was: him being like a child all the time. Always playful, curious, energetic, an eager learner, yet somehow inconsistent with his newfound passions and toys. That has been him. Still today, he has the most playful soul I’ve known, and I honestly think this is the exact reason why he is such an incredible, present and loving dad. What everyone thought was his weakness, was in fact his biggest and most perfect strength. I’ll always admire this about him. He’s well aware that I think this of him. (Te quiero, Juank!)

On the other hand, I was always playful but scared, cheerful but rather silent. Always joyful until adults showed up, making me paralyse, quickly analyse their mood for the day, and then tending to freeze or cry accordingly. Always tagged as ‘too sensitive’, I was always waiting for the next shoe to drop, as the saying goes. I was too scared of my mum. Poor thing was probably too stressed herself to even notice my own fear or sadness. And I was too young to understand these things myself.

I became really good at being in my own little world, enjoying my music and nonstop daydreaming scenarios in my head. Always solving things and big feelings on my own - or so I thought. If I became too nervous about something, I’d hide and play, or daydream until needed, or until we were called for dinner and bedtime. It sounds dramatic. There was no physical abuse or similarly worrying things happening in the family that could justify me being so afraid. Other than angry-looking, cranky relatives, chaotic dynamics, lack of emotional regulation or displays, and lack of communication skills, nothing else was going on.

The interesting thing about growing up and healing, is that you’re always guided to go back to your childhood memories, eventually understanding most of it, how things played up psychologically, and how it influenced personality formation. And since families are always messy and chaotic in their own unique ways, we all experience something different even when sharing the same roof and the same rules.

I’ve wondered about this many times. It’s been brought up in therapy too. It seems nowadays that talking about this whole deal and wanting to understand yourself from a different, healthier perspective is common and supported, thank goodness. Older generations may feel that younger people are overreacting and blaming them or the past for their emotional issues. I don’t believe this to be the case, but I do believe that wanting to understand yourself to better yourself comes with a big deal (and responsibility on your side) of understanding your past.

Many a times, people realise through therapy that they might be (emotionally) stuck in some relevant part of their past. By understanding it and coming to terms with it, they then can actually move forward. That’s how therapy and healing work. It really works. Honestly, I’m so grateful for them both. It’s thanks to therapy that I’ve been able to understand how my childhood fearful personality, emotional lability and tendency to freeze and daydream were actually coping mechanisms - only natural to children as they don’t have the tools to understand their emotions, even less regulate them.

I’ve never really opened up about any of this. And if I did as a kid, it was only after a week of building up the courage to say something. It felt too scary and risky to open up as a child. As a teen or YA, I would’ve been angry and resentful; and as an adult, I’ve lived with extreme needs for validation without being aware. At this point, I have no interest in any of it anymore. Healing really helps you overcome those stages, allowing you fall into acceptance and gratitude for what was and what is. My family is most likely going to read this and maybe even be surprised, I don’t know. Or maybe they know me better than I think! What feels great is that I’m not scared to express myself anymore. I hope they can see this with love, as it’s my personal journey of self-discovery, of self love. Like the love I’m finally starting to see and feel for myself.

Self love changes everything.

The thing is…people always tell you that self love is the way, but no one tells you what that way really looks like, or how you can actually go about it. Well, let me tell you: I think learning self love is one messy, chaotic and dramatic process. Even more depending on your life circumstances. It’s a slow path too, and it never really ends. But at the end of that first tricky bit after you’ve become aware, self love starts turning into a thing you can understand, and it feels really great. I don’t think going solo on that journey is recommended, and by this I mean getting professional support. The journey to start understanding yourself as an individual, accepting all findings as you go, and actually coming to know and enjoy who you are is quite a muddy, lurky road, but eventually, a rewarding one too.

Since I started becoming aware that I needed to have a good like inside and heal things, it’s been around 8 years. Years in which I’ve made important changes to my life, not once but several times and on all fronts: relationships, jobs, home, entrepreneurship projects, dreams and more. Burnout was the main theme all along.

It’s right at the beginning of those years when my soul screamed at me to embrace dancing for the first time in my life. As I tend to do, I followed that nudge. I haven’t stopped since and hopefully never will. Dancing has been a healing force for me, in ways I didn’t understand at first. Not to mention psychotherapy and the many different tools I have been lucky to find on the way. It’s like a dream to be able to do all this inner work while having professional and community support. I could’ve only dreamed having this all during my school or uni years. It was unimagined…even less to speak about it.

I think things are changing, not just for me but collectively.

Whether we see ourselves as separate generations with diverse sets of beliefs, or whether each collective resonate with each other, I believe we are all somehow always healing and moving forward. Society as a whole might seem wrecked in so many ways, but I choose to believe in the good on us all. The good done by us individually as we decide to embrace ourselves, generating a positive ripple effect towards the collective.

We’re walking a pathway in which opening up about feelings, emotions and personal views is becoming more accepted, more normal, more needed. We are finding that we are not alone, and that just maybe, opening up isn’t so bad, and that maybe this is the right way to move forward.

I believe in the soul, and that we are all here experiencing life through levels of consciousness as we evolve, mature, learn, heal. In this big messy soup, we are all mixed up and interacting with each other, learning from each other, and maybe even teaching a thing or to two to one another.

Life is messy.

The past was messy. And so is the present, and so will be the future. But in this mess, we all get to live. And in this living, we get to thrive.

Only when we realise we’ve been surviving for so long, the healing begins and the thriving will follow. And as a roller coaster as it is, we can still thrive somehow. Because no matter what level of consciousness you’re in, you will surely continue to live and learn.

I, for one, will keep doing therapy and applying all my new learned tools to knowing, regulating and balancing my mind, my emotions, my reactions towards life and the world. Being highly sensitive, it’s vital that we learn to do this.

There’s still so much work to do, but I just know there’s a huge capacity in me (and everyone) pending to be discovered and enjoyed. I also see now how I survived for so long, emotionally speaking. Since childhood, my struggles felt huge inside, but also like I had to dim them down, and tag them as small and unimportant, while making myself as invisible as possible. That’s how childhood went for me (no judgements to my beloved ones!). I’ve simply understood how this kept me in survival mode, tied to a growing ignorance about who I was as a person. Since I decided to accept the journey, both light and shadows have been at play, showing me a better way. The way to myself.

I started writing this newsletter not knowing what would come through. I tend to feel the nudge, trust it and just write. Sometimes it’s just a personal deep dive, sometimes it’s a greater message for all.

Today it’s both: a deep dive with a greater message for everyone.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you for holding space.

Thank you for being love.

Thank you for loving yourself.

Long may it continue.

Xoxo,
Big Me

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