Around 75% of women will experience sexual pain in their lives. Men can suffer it too. But what happens when this pain becomes chronic? A personal essay + important facts and resources.
Bravely told, congratulations on getting this piece out there (again, revised!) into the world - I just know it will help others. I, for one, learned a lot here. Thank goodness you were able to voice your discomfort and had a competent and caring doctor able to help you.
I’m so grateful to you, doc. It takes a lot of guts to put something like this out to the world, but it breaks the shame cycle and that is so necessary! I’ll share this in my next roundup.
Mariana, you’ve addressed a delicate topic with such openness, honesty, and clarity. I know that so many people will feel seen and validated because of it! Brava. ❤️
Apparently no men have been interested or brave enough to comment (as far as I can tell)..but I discovered your substack just now, and this was actually really relevant and useful, because my partner of 10 years had some similar and related issues on and off (though we deduced the cause is mostly psychological/emotional and fluctuates according to what else is going on in her life, though there are physical elements, as well). It's still imperfect, and she also didn't have any specifically traumatic experiences (luckily), more a combination of various circumstances and influences over the years--though she is a very small person, so perhaps that's contributed to it, even though I don't believe she's ever received that specific diagnosis as the main issue. In any case, I never encountered this issue with previous partners, so it was a point of contention and frustration on both sides for us, in the past, and we've both learned a lot since then.
It's interesting, because even sometimes the things which seem like they should be the "easiest" or most "natural" feel very difficult, and it makes both people wonder what's going on, or if something is wrong with them. But I guess that's part of being an adult in a loving long term relationship!
Also, we have been to CR twice, great country..Tortuguero is one of the most wonderfully biodiverse places I've ever been (as someone who studied biology), as is the whole country and especially the Caribbean side in general, it really makes you realize what so much of the world has lost, it's amazing what you can experience there and how well the government has emphasizes environmental protections to a certain extent.
Hi Nick! Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your personal experience too! These things are difficult, no doubt. I'm glad your partner has you, and that both of you have been able to talk about it, and process it together when needed. I can totally relate to it all...the frustration of those years was extremely real and painful for both. I feel continually lost, especially as we didn't talk about it with others, there were no tools, no topic, no openness, nothing. When that gyne gave me hope and mentioned a diagnose, many years had passed. It's crazy how much of a taboo that was, and still is! Thankfully, there's so many more resources and knowledge now than before.
I'd agree that such issues are a combination of various circumstances. Nowadays, at age 43, if I think about, there was definitely a very heavy emotional load from life circumstances that surrounded me, along with personality traits that made me feel insecure, afraid, low self-esteem, etc. I remember when I felt hope about this all, I knew at some point I'd brave up to talk about this openly because it couldn't have been just me suffering in silence. Eventually, I went on national radio and spoke about it, as well as writing about it, like this post. It's massive, and I still think is so needed to keep talking about all taboos, all the things that make us feel scared, especially of speaking up.
I hope both you and your partner have found help and guidance in different ways through the years, and continue to grow together. I thank you for sharing this and for speaking up about it. It's so needed, and by doing this, you're already being part of the change we all need. It matters so much.
And yay for Costa Rica! Tortuguero is amazing. I remember it from trips during my childhood with family...it was beyond wild! I moved abroad 15 years ago and every time I come back, I'm always amazed at how much we have here, how much environmental protection there is thankfully, and how many efforts are continually being made to keep it that way. If you're ever back in the country, I highly recommend the southern pacific area, specifically around Corcovado National Park. There's a reserve/foundation called Biosur and they're doing amazing things in a somehow 'virgin' area where tourism hasn't exploded yet, and probably won't due to their efforts.
Thanks again for your comment and for being here! Welcome to the feel good family. :)
It’s amazing how much just lack of knowledge and sharing, and self repression harms people. As you know, our nervous systems control everything else and are intricately linked to the endocrine, immunological, sexual systems etc..it’s amazing to think our thoughts themselves actually influence our biology (and more so all the time with greater understanding of elite ethics), but it’s true.
We looked at doing a trip in Corcovado/Osa in the past—it looks fucking wild there. The meeting of the biomes means that not only do you have to think about crocodiles when crossing rivers, but also..sharks. I’m a semi-experienced backpacker/hiker (and have written about this, e.g. https://nickherman.substack.com/p/the-weight-of-water-hiking-part-of), but since you have to book a guide to go to any of these places, and hike for hours a day in high heat and humidity, we decided against it in the end. At the moment, I’m really interested in visiting Colombia, both for cultural and environmental reasons. I haven’t been to Spain for many years, but I’d like to go back—I’ve studied flamenco guitar, and there is a lot to offer there. In general, people in Latin countries seem to be a lot less miserable than everyone else, and also a lot less addicted to soul stealing social media etc. because they actually know how to still interact with each other .
This is fantastic, Humaira. There's so much you can do to help women with pelvic floor issues from the physiotherapy perspective. Even men can present pelvic floor problems too. 😊
I don't view myself as a sexual person. I think of myself as someone that's barred myself from every experiencing intimacy because of my self-hatred and emotional dependence on pornography. I imagine a lot of men feel similarly. Thanks for being brave enough to share your story. It was very insightful.
This is so powerful and real and I am so grateful for your ability to put into words what you experienced, what so many women experience. I know another young woman who has this (diagnosed by an obgyn) and it’s so important for women to hear from others of how sexuality and being in our bodies can be fraught in a world that wants to control those same bodies. Thank you so so much for writing and sharing this, brava! And I am so glad that you found people who listened and found a way to be pain free. 💜
Freya thank you!!! This is so important. These topics and issues make you feel so insecure overtime, and it's vital to spread the message so others don't suffer alone. It's already a very lonely road, so if there's anything we can do to help and improve it, then I'm up for it.
Sometimes I think back and I don't know how it happened: opening up about it, getting help and eventually getting the physical problem fixed. It was not that long ago but information-wise, it feels like eons ago. There was no where to search for info, forums, studies. It was all in the books, and doctors wouldn't mention it. It was a very blind spot. I think I had angels somehow showing up and giving me signs here and there. I'm so grateful for it all because it really changed me.
I'm really glad your friend got diagnosed! I'm sure she's been on a journey, and has been also transformed. ❤️
You expressed this important topic with such clarity and honesty. It's crucial for people to be educated about this. Shoutout to you for addressing it so well!
Thank you, Dr. Mariana, for approaching this very sensitive and important topic so openly and honestly. I'm sure many people will benefit from reading this and from accessing the resources you have included.
This was so affecting and I too am grateful you are sharing your story! I struggled with vaginismus when I was younger. I was so so afraid of pain during sex that I couldn’t ever have it! When I tried to get help, my university doctor told me to just relax, and it further made me think I was the problem. If I didn’t feel anxious, if I could just relax and control my brain, then I’d be fine. I blamed myself and tried to fix the problem itself. Eventually I did get to pain free intercourse physically, but the fear didn’t then go away. I still had anxiety that what if this time it didn’t work and hurt again? Getting to the root, that fear and anxiety you touched on, was and is the solution for me. But it took a really long time to understand that. And I felt so much shame and confusion in what could have been such a fun and nice time. Thank you again for sharing. Though we had different experiences and causes, I resonated with so much of what you said and seeing this words out there chips away that shame that had hold of me.
Jamie hi! And wow...I felt every single word of yours too. The mind is everything, how powerful and so true. I still have glimpses of that fearful past in my mind at times. It has been a very long work in progress but as you said, it works. Healing the emotional scar is vital. Thank you too so much for sharing and for being here!!! Means a lot. ❤️
Bravely told, congratulations on getting this piece out there (again, revised!) into the world - I just know it will help others. I, for one, learned a lot here. Thank goodness you were able to voice your discomfort and had a competent and caring doctor able to help you.
Thank you, Diana!! This has been a biggie for me indeed. I'd really hope for this one to travel far and help as many as possible.
I’m so grateful to you, doc. It takes a lot of guts to put something like this out to the world, but it breaks the shame cycle and that is so necessary! I’ll share this in my next roundup.
Thank you Amy! Means a lot. This is a very important topic, most definitely. And it matters so much if it helps us all rise up together.
Oh, and so many great links and resources here. Thanks again!!
My pleasure! 🙏🏻🙌🏻
Mariana, you’ve addressed a delicate topic with such openness, honesty, and clarity. I know that so many people will feel seen and validated because of it! Brava. ❤️
Thank you, Maddie! 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
Apparently no men have been interested or brave enough to comment (as far as I can tell)..but I discovered your substack just now, and this was actually really relevant and useful, because my partner of 10 years had some similar and related issues on and off (though we deduced the cause is mostly psychological/emotional and fluctuates according to what else is going on in her life, though there are physical elements, as well). It's still imperfect, and she also didn't have any specifically traumatic experiences (luckily), more a combination of various circumstances and influences over the years--though she is a very small person, so perhaps that's contributed to it, even though I don't believe she's ever received that specific diagnosis as the main issue. In any case, I never encountered this issue with previous partners, so it was a point of contention and frustration on both sides for us, in the past, and we've both learned a lot since then.
It's interesting, because even sometimes the things which seem like they should be the "easiest" or most "natural" feel very difficult, and it makes both people wonder what's going on, or if something is wrong with them. But I guess that's part of being an adult in a loving long term relationship!
Also, we have been to CR twice, great country..Tortuguero is one of the most wonderfully biodiverse places I've ever been (as someone who studied biology), as is the whole country and especially the Caribbean side in general, it really makes you realize what so much of the world has lost, it's amazing what you can experience there and how well the government has emphasizes environmental protections to a certain extent.
Hi Nick! Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your personal experience too! These things are difficult, no doubt. I'm glad your partner has you, and that both of you have been able to talk about it, and process it together when needed. I can totally relate to it all...the frustration of those years was extremely real and painful for both. I feel continually lost, especially as we didn't talk about it with others, there were no tools, no topic, no openness, nothing. When that gyne gave me hope and mentioned a diagnose, many years had passed. It's crazy how much of a taboo that was, and still is! Thankfully, there's so many more resources and knowledge now than before.
I'd agree that such issues are a combination of various circumstances. Nowadays, at age 43, if I think about, there was definitely a very heavy emotional load from life circumstances that surrounded me, along with personality traits that made me feel insecure, afraid, low self-esteem, etc. I remember when I felt hope about this all, I knew at some point I'd brave up to talk about this openly because it couldn't have been just me suffering in silence. Eventually, I went on national radio and spoke about it, as well as writing about it, like this post. It's massive, and I still think is so needed to keep talking about all taboos, all the things that make us feel scared, especially of speaking up.
I hope both you and your partner have found help and guidance in different ways through the years, and continue to grow together. I thank you for sharing this and for speaking up about it. It's so needed, and by doing this, you're already being part of the change we all need. It matters so much.
And yay for Costa Rica! Tortuguero is amazing. I remember it from trips during my childhood with family...it was beyond wild! I moved abroad 15 years ago and every time I come back, I'm always amazed at how much we have here, how much environmental protection there is thankfully, and how many efforts are continually being made to keep it that way. If you're ever back in the country, I highly recommend the southern pacific area, specifically around Corcovado National Park. There's a reserve/foundation called Biosur and they're doing amazing things in a somehow 'virgin' area where tourism hasn't exploded yet, and probably won't due to their efforts.
Thanks again for your comment and for being here! Welcome to the feel good family. :)
It’s amazing how much just lack of knowledge and sharing, and self repression harms people. As you know, our nervous systems control everything else and are intricately linked to the endocrine, immunological, sexual systems etc..it’s amazing to think our thoughts themselves actually influence our biology (and more so all the time with greater understanding of elite ethics), but it’s true.
We looked at doing a trip in Corcovado/Osa in the past—it looks fucking wild there. The meeting of the biomes means that not only do you have to think about crocodiles when crossing rivers, but also..sharks. I’m a semi-experienced backpacker/hiker (and have written about this, e.g. https://nickherman.substack.com/p/the-weight-of-water-hiking-part-of), but since you have to book a guide to go to any of these places, and hike for hours a day in high heat and humidity, we decided against it in the end. At the moment, I’m really interested in visiting Colombia, both for cultural and environmental reasons. I haven’t been to Spain for many years, but I’d like to go back—I’ve studied flamenco guitar, and there is a lot to offer there. In general, people in Latin countries seem to be a lot less miserable than everyone else, and also a lot less addicted to soul stealing social media etc. because they actually know how to still interact with each other .
This topic .... You are very brevly girl and story.such a you are sher this topic.every woman ready this topic..
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Thank you, Humaira, it is indeed a very important topic!
Yes ma'am of course every girl neology this topic
Ma'am I am salute you ❤️
,🙏🏻😊
I am a Dr I m physio therapy it's
This is fantastic, Humaira. There's so much you can do to help women with pelvic floor issues from the physiotherapy perspective. Even men can present pelvic floor problems too. 😊
I don't view myself as a sexual person. I think of myself as someone that's barred myself from every experiencing intimacy because of my self-hatred and emotional dependence on pornography. I imagine a lot of men feel similarly. Thanks for being brave enough to share your story. It was very insightful.
Thank you! And you’re brave for sharing too. I’m glad it felt insightful and useful.
This is so powerful and real and I am so grateful for your ability to put into words what you experienced, what so many women experience. I know another young woman who has this (diagnosed by an obgyn) and it’s so important for women to hear from others of how sexuality and being in our bodies can be fraught in a world that wants to control those same bodies. Thank you so so much for writing and sharing this, brava! And I am so glad that you found people who listened and found a way to be pain free. 💜
Freya thank you!!! This is so important. These topics and issues make you feel so insecure overtime, and it's vital to spread the message so others don't suffer alone. It's already a very lonely road, so if there's anything we can do to help and improve it, then I'm up for it.
Sometimes I think back and I don't know how it happened: opening up about it, getting help and eventually getting the physical problem fixed. It was not that long ago but information-wise, it feels like eons ago. There was no where to search for info, forums, studies. It was all in the books, and doctors wouldn't mention it. It was a very blind spot. I think I had angels somehow showing up and giving me signs here and there. I'm so grateful for it all because it really changed me.
I'm really glad your friend got diagnosed! I'm sure she's been on a journey, and has been also transformed. ❤️
You expressed this important topic with such clarity and honesty. It's crucial for people to be educated about this. Shoutout to you for addressing it so well!
Thank you so much, Neha! Means a lot. Happy to have you here. 😊🙏🏻
Same 😊🙏
Thank you, Dr. Mariana, for approaching this very sensitive and important topic so openly and honestly. I'm sure many people will benefit from reading this and from accessing the resources you have included.
Thank you so much, Louise! Your support means everything. Thanks for reading always and for being here. 😊
This was so affecting and I too am grateful you are sharing your story! I struggled with vaginismus when I was younger. I was so so afraid of pain during sex that I couldn’t ever have it! When I tried to get help, my university doctor told me to just relax, and it further made me think I was the problem. If I didn’t feel anxious, if I could just relax and control my brain, then I’d be fine. I blamed myself and tried to fix the problem itself. Eventually I did get to pain free intercourse physically, but the fear didn’t then go away. I still had anxiety that what if this time it didn’t work and hurt again? Getting to the root, that fear and anxiety you touched on, was and is the solution for me. But it took a really long time to understand that. And I felt so much shame and confusion in what could have been such a fun and nice time. Thank you again for sharing. Though we had different experiences and causes, I resonated with so much of what you said and seeing this words out there chips away that shame that had hold of me.
Jamie hi! And wow...I felt every single word of yours too. The mind is everything, how powerful and so true. I still have glimpses of that fearful past in my mind at times. It has been a very long work in progress but as you said, it works. Healing the emotional scar is vital. Thank you too so much for sharing and for being here!!! Means a lot. ❤️